Tetsumo Party

An absolute prolapse of a game.

Today I'm reviewing Tetsumo Party. Let's get a big end-of-review spoiler out of the way, before I go in depth with a professional, fair and unbiased analysis of this recent Xbox One release:

I fucking hated every second I spent playing this hollow ugly shell of a game, which I am ashamed to have paid money for.

With that out of the way, I'll explain my time spent with this atrocity:

I started out on my first few plays not liking it very much. It looks like garbage, it sounds like garbage and it plays like garbage. Essentially the whole idea boils down to putting people into people shaped holes. It's unintuitive, it's frustrating and it ties achievements to some seriously unreliable RNG, which is bullshit. Eventually I just quit the game outright and decided to go back to pouring what bleach I couldn't stomach into my eyeballs.

After a half hour or so of entertaining myself with household cleaning products I began to think, in my childlike innocence, that I hadn't really given it a fair shot. Maybe I was lacking in my understanding of the game?

So I wasted another half hour playing it again. I Pushed shoulder buttons and triggers to rotate character limbs to fit said character into a character-shaped hole. Repeat.

No, I definitely understood the concept. And it was definitely still shite.

I was discussing this with the nurse who was kind enough to pump my stomach following the second go at the game, and for some ungodly reason, I decided during the ambulance ride home to be fair to my readers that I really needed to try to beat this thing before it beat me.

So I played it again.

After unlocking all the characters - who are all unlocked in exactly the same way (spending sushi) and all play exactly the same, with exactly the same controls and exactly the same shapes to fit through, with exactly the same pickups to give them exactly the same bonuses - I'd managed a few decent scores and obtained a handful of achievements, except for one which stubbornly refused to unlock.

I was spinning limbs like crazy, drinking green tea (a step down from bleach, if anything), collecting sushi which serves no purpose as I'd already unlocked all the characters, and repeating these actions over and over across environments which - you guessed it - all play exactly the same.

And then something clicked... I had thought the game was utter shite; pap launched from the prolapsed anus of a talentless twat.

But it's even worse than that.