Porsche's Writing Submissions - Death Denied Me

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I have a writing itch, and have begun posting slowly to Reddit, especially in nosleep. I am sharing that submission here as well, knowing you guys will have honest, slightly biased for or against, opinions, thoughts and reviews.

Original Post

DEATH DENIED ME

I have died. Let me point that out before we begin. It was an accidental murder that took my life. I was simply trotting along the downtown district of my little town, lazily peering through the shop windows and making a mental inventory of the plethora of various wares this tourist trap peddled. I am not a tourist, nor a shopper, but my girlfriend hadn’t been to this part of my town, and had begged me to go. I reluctantly agreed to satiate her curiosity and accompanied her on this rendezvous.

As we strolled, I admired the external natural beauties that this town was surrounded by – glorious, towering red rocks, littered with lush desert green foliage, with distant quartz sparkling in the setting sunshine. As we peered through the jewelry shop in a popular plaza, I felt what I imagined was a nasty venomous sting from one of the large desert insects that populate this locale on my left cheek near the ear and temple. As I recoiled in pain and grabbed at whatever insect this was, I realized that I had summarily lost control of my motor functions, and my will alone could not convince my arm and hand to reach my face to swat away the insect.

I peered around, wondering why no one had noticed this situation unfold, when I frustratedly realized that everything around me had stopped. There was no movement, no sound, not even from my own lungs as I inhaled and exhaled with rapid succession. I couldn’t move or speak, trying to yell out to the frozen crowd to illicit some sort of response, but, alas, my efforts were futile. I stayed in this premised position for what seemed like eons, adjacent to my sweet lover, whom I continued to adore as time marched on outside of my control. Nothing, including no one of the dozens, if not a few hundred people, moved. I obsessed over each person within my perception, crafting stories and narratives over each one, concocting elaborate rich tales of all of these frozen lives trapped in front of me.

After what had seemed like half a million years, I finally noticed a movement in my peripheral left. It oozed with a deviant fluidity, slowing edging closer to me, millimeter by millimeter. As it progressed closer to me over the course of a few months, it started to thicken and expand. Once it reached several centimeters in height, I started to notice a raspy whistling sound every time it spewed forward closer. At first it was faint, barely audible, but surprisingly loud considering the absolute deafness that I had been surrounded in the last half a million years.

In an instant, there was the creeping black fog, whistling its’ presence closer and closer for many months, and then there he was, standing next to me, staring deeply at my beloved girlfriend, whom I have poured over and memorized every cell of her being. He stood at my left, examining her within millimeters of her, taking inventory of her. I felt rage and anger grow inside from a deep dark within, a place from which I had never known to exist in me. He was visually violating her, minute by minute, hour by hour, as I stood frozen and helpless to defend her and protect her from this, this thing that studied her.

He appeared in a cloak of the same creeping substance that spent years flooding the ground around me. It quivered around him, but fully covered any visible body he might have had. He was enormous, at least 3 meters tall, and over a meter wide, but still slinked thin, like a cancer patient on their last days. It wasn’t until I noticed the odor he emitted that I realized I could smell again. It was shocking, since no air had moved round me for millennia, and I had even forgotten the basic function existed. I started to feel some control in my body again, much akin to switches being turned on in an old defunct factory. I felt a pang to move like none I’ve ever felt before, but all I could muster was a stiff ratchet from my neck as I tried to eye my guest more closely and head on.

As soon as I twitched my head a fraction towards him, he spun his head and bore deeply into me. The black gaping hole of the quivering hooded cloak faced me with an intent reserved for the deepest rooted evil. At least, that’s what my strained imagination allowed me to perceive. He stared at me for a long minute, then glanced at her, and returned his gaze to me once more.

“She isn’t dead, like the plan stated.” His voice rattled my core as its booming clarity melted over the valley this tourist trap town lay in. His voice was deep, golden, and heavy with experience, although his confusion became evident as he considered me more. “Your soul is the one primed for my reaping, not hers. This is incorrect.”

I attempted to reply but there was nothing I could do to voice my confusion in response to his. He reached up with his massive cloak-covered right arm, letting a bit of the robe slip down his cuff, baring the starchy white skeleton hidden within, and stroked his hood back from his forehead, baring his gigantic bare skull. He let the hood drop to his nape, and then he did something that I never assumed Death, in his omnipresent state, would ever do – he scratched the top of his head with his bony finger tips.

His voice boomed and echoed through the valley “What in the hell has happened here?!” His yell remained golden and silky, even in his anger, and it filled voids in the universe I hadn’t known existed. In one brief instant the knowledge of the eternity especially entered my mind, and I knew at once what had trained here. The painful sting was a bullet, fired from a firearm almost 7 kilometers away in the air at an innocent celebration. It was, according to the universal plan, intended to hit my girlfriend, but, in some bizarre miscalculation, hit me instead.

“You have been ordained for greater things. It was not your fate to perish here.” Death eyed me carefully. As he monitored my unfreezing reaction, I became aware of a pure clarity – a glow, white and honest, manifesting behind me. I could feel it’s warmth, it’s love, and it’s compassion. At the same time, on my right, a deep orange and redish overcast appeared, writhing in unwholesomeness and vile hatred for me. It was all palpable, and I could taste the light and the dark as it washed over me from all angles.

God’s voice cleared the overcast and although it was unsaid but heard, he greeted us: “Death, Lucifer, and young Thom. This is our privilege to convene.” I knew I heard his words, but he never said them. His mouth would have never moved, but we all engaged in an unspoken agreement to his salutations. It was as if the words, what he said, filled my mind, and voided every other though out, only temporarily, as he incepted his message.

“We must commune more often, dear Father. Our creation has consumed us.” This voice also filled my head, but did so with an envy I’ve never felt, a greed I’ve never wanted, a hatred I have never tasted. I knew at once it was Lucifer, the devil himself, in reply to his Father.

An unearthly echo appeared from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. “Brother, your presence is welcome, but your influence is unwelcome here.” As these words were spoken, I felt the vile feelings slough off my soul as quickly as Lucifer introduced them. As this happened, I perceived the fourth presence appear, directly above me and all around me. Death appeared to sag low and crouch at this newcomer, much like a dog scours and buries his tail. Lucifer also slowed his advance and seemed to cower.

The filling words again: “My ever-begotten Son, We are blessed in your attendance at this trivial manner.” God’s words rang true, but I felt, much like Death and Lucifer felt, that it was dismissive. Jesus spoke “none of our childrens’ and brothers’ fates are trivial. They all have their unique blessing to afford upon others. What has transpired here?”

I spoke, but my voice came from my mind: “I have died, sir.” Jesus smiled, at least I believe he did, and replied “You, Thom? No, no, that is incorrect. Death? Please explain.” His request was demanded, but was respected nonetheless. Death, in his silky, deep, boom stated “Dear brother, there had been a minor miscalculation. So minuscule, it hadn’t been present in his death plan. I mean, her death plan. She was supposed to be reaped, not young Thom here.”

“Death, I expect you to repair this.” Jesus words were spoken matter-of-factly, and once the last trace of his voice dissipated, God, Lucifer, and Jesus departed us, leaving Death and I alone, in the center of this town square, surrounded by frozen people doing the duties there were attending to the second I had died. Death considered me for another long minute.

“Thom. I am sorry for this inconvenience I have suffered you. You heard the savior.” My girlfriend tugged my arm and squeaked excitedly “Oh my gosh, Thommy, look at that guy on the stilts!”

I blinked and swallowed the bustling surroundings. The movement and carelessness of these dozens, if not a few hundred people, we’re lazy and hasty, alive and lazy, and not even close to the narratives I had envisioned for half a million years. I moved around, breathing the sweet, fresh air into my lungs, smelling the odors and scents of this uptown paradise. It felt like heaven compared to the hell I was in for half a million years.

And then I saw him. Death. He stood among the citizens, carefully watching me. No one else could see him, but I knew I could. He slowly approached me, and I pretended not to notice, in order to not creep out my girlfriend. He spoke again, the same silky booming melody, but I knew only I could hear: “You have a choice Thom. You can allow her plan to come to fruition as was designed, or you could keep her. If you chose to let destiny decide, you will return to your previous ignorance of the truth. If you choose to keep her, then I will require a price.”

I looked over to her. I studied her joy, her features. I was absolutely in love with her. I knew it thousands of Frozen years ago when I imagined an eternity with her. “I will always choose her.” I said aloud. She turned at me ask asked “What did you say, honey?”

Death answered “I have a mission for you.”
I enjoyed it.
Originally Posted by ZeroDesolation
Thank you. Any suggestions?
Thank you. Any suggestions?
Originally Posted by porschephiliac
One part I had to a read a few times over. I think it would work better like this.

Yours:
His voice boomed and echoed through the valley “What in the hell has happened here?!” His yell remained golden and silky, even in his anger, and it filled voids in the universe I hadn’t known existed. In one brief instant the knowledge of the eternity especially entered my mind, and I knew at once what had trained here. The painful sting was a bullet, fired from a firearm almost 7 kilometers away in the air at an innocent celebration. It was, according to the universal plan, intended to hit my girlfriend, but, in some bizarre miscalculation, hit me instead.

Update:
His voice boomed and echoed through the valley “What has happened here?!” Even in anger, his yell remained golden and silky filling voids in the universe I hadn’t known existed. In one brief instant the knowledge of the eternity especially entered my mind, and I knew at once what had transpired here. The painful sting was a bullet, fired from a firearm almost 7 kilometers away in the air at an innocent celebration. It was, according to the universal plan, intended to hit my girlfriend, but, in some bizarre miscalculation, hit me instead.

Only suggestion I have.

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